-I changed my car horn to the sound of gunshots. People seem to scramble to get out of the way.
-I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.
-I decided to stop calling the bathroom the "John" and renamed it the "Jim". I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
-When I was a child I thought "Nap Time" was a punishment. Now it feels like a little vacation.
-The biggest lie I tell myself is...."I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."
-I don't have gray hair; I have "wisdom highlights"! I'm just very wise.
-If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would've put them on my knees.
-Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet..
-“Why do I have to press one for English when you're just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?”
-Of course, I talk to myself; sometimes I need expert advice.
-At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.
-Actually, I'm not complaining. I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later. I don't have to go to school or work. I get an allowance every month. I have my own pad. I don't have a curfew. I have a driver's license and my own car. The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant. And I don't have acne..
